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A PLAYER'S HANDBOOK - 2
ASKING YOUR PARTNER TO PLAY
Discussing the subject of S&M games with your partner is not always easy, especially if one or both of you are new to S&M. If your partner is a total novice whom you are trying to introduce to these games, you might want to refer to them as fantasy play rather than as S&M, and you should start out with things that are light, romantic and playful rather than heavy or intense. If you do not already have the book FantaScenes: Games Lovers Can Play, I would highly recommend it as a way to gently introduce your partner to erotic power play.
Suggest to your partner that he or she might enjoy a light spanking or sensual bondage. Offer to switch roles, and explain the concept of limits and a safe word to reassure your partner that he or she is not actually going to get hurt.
If you are playing with a more experienced partner, or if you have already introduced your regular partner to the joys of erotic power play, you can start right out by negotiating a scene. Clearly discuss your likes, limits and fantasies in a non-demanding way.
It is important that both partners have some input as to what the elements the scene will contain. The only exception to this is if a couple has been playing together for some time, and the submissive partner prefers to allow the dominant partner to choose the scene. In this case, the dominant already knows the likes, limits and fantasies of the submissive, and can play within them.
On the following pages are some of the possible elements of a D&S scene. Read through them carefully with your partner, and decide on the ones that are exciting to both of you.
EXPLORING YOUR FANTASIES - FOR THE SUBMISSIVE PARTNER
Unless you are totally opposed to switching roles, both partners should read through the following list. Each partner should select three items that you might find erotic at least some of the time.
1. I want to be CONTROLLED by a dominant. I imagine myself the total mercy of my owner. S/he takes all control away from me completely, and tells me what to do. I submit myself to do with as my owner pleases.
2. I am put in BONDAGE. Scarves, ropes, or leather cuffs restrain me tightly.
3. I am forced me to DRESS. I am made to be pretty and sensuous. I must wear makeup, sexy lingerie, and a dress or short skirt.
4. I am HUMILIATED and abused by the dominant. S/he is all, and i am nothing. i am less than a dog - i am a humble slave. i worship my Master/Mistress.
5. I am sternly DISCIPLINED for being naughty. Six with the birch, ten with the rod, and a severe spanking is in order for me. "Drawers down!" I am ordered, and I obediently bend over.
6. The dominant desires a TOILET SLAVE to serve her. "Take my golden shower, Slave!" s/he demands.
7. PAIN is my Master's/Mistress' aim. I will suffer during the session. I will be hurt for his or her pleasure.
8. I am a SLAVE in need of TRAINING. My Master/Mistress will train me to behave as s/he desires.
9. I am the PET of my owner. I will be treated like an ANIMAL. I may be made to behave like an animal.
10. My Master/Mistress commands me to worship his/her FEET. I lick and suck each toe as ordered.
11. My Master/Mistress enacts certain RITUALS with me. They are very specific, and meaningful.
12. I like certain FETISH objects, such as leather, rubber, or latex.
13. Certain parts of my body, such as my nipples, are objects of abuse and TORTURE for my Master/Mistress.
14. My Master/Mistress is very intimidating and controls what I feel. I will feel fear, love, worship and other intense EMOTIONS during the session.
EXPLORING YOUR FANTASIES - FOR THE DOMINANT PARTNER
Unless you are totally opposed to switching roles, both partners should read through the following list. Each partner should select three items that they would find erotic at least some of the time.
1. I want to DOMINATE my partner and control his/her every action. S/he must willingly submit to me.
2. I want to FORCE my partner to submit to me. S/he may struggle at first, but I know s/he will eventually give in to me.
3. I would like to spank or whip my partner, in order to inflict erotic PAIN.
4. I have to PUNISH my naughty partner. S/he has been very bad, and deserves my punishment.
5. I like to see my partner DRESS up (or undress) and pose in a sexy way for me. I may want him or her to masturbate for me.
6. I want to OWN a collared slave, who must do what I say.
7. I want to SWITCH roles with my partner. S/he starts out trying to dominate me, but I gain the upper hand, and subdue him/her.
8. I would like to put my partner in BONDAGE. I can tie him or her up, and then do anything that I want.
9. I would find it exciting to put my partner in a sexually HUMILIATING situation, or to call him/her sexually degrading names.
10. I want my partner to serve me as a TOILET slave.
11. I would like to treat my partner like an ANIMAL and train him or her as such.
12. I would like to train my partner to enact certain RITUALS that I find meaningful.
13. I have a particular FETISH that I want my partner to cater to.
14. I would like to play with my partner's EMOTIONS, and make him or her have feelings such as fea r, worship and desire during a scene.
FETISH AND FANTASY
Choose one or more items or roles from each of the following lists that you would like to experiment with in your scene.
Keep in mind that all of these fantasies can be played out in a mutually satisfying manner, while remaining safe, gentle and consensual. A castration fantasy, for example, can be played out as a fantasy without really damaging someone. "Branding" can be done with a Magic Marker for those low on pain tolerance and not into permanent marks. Serious scenes such as actual branding and piercing should only be done in reality by experienced practicioners.
NEGOTIATING A SCENE
Once you and your partner have read over the lists of fantasies, roles, scenes and fetishes, and you have decided which elements you would like to incorporate into your scene, you can begin play. You can begin play with anything from a general idea of your partner's likes and limits to a complete and elaborate script. Most people like to at least work out a rough "script" for the scene, including the roles and elements that will be introduced. Here are some examples of possible scripts.
S&M FANTASY #1: Sensory deprivation, bondage, sensation play
He is dominant. He will tie her up and blindfold her, then alternately tickle and sexually tease her. Some of the props include a blindfold, soft nylon ropes, a feather, a rabbit fur, an ice cube, and possibly a whip or paddle.
S&M FANTASY #2: Body worship, whipping, sexual teasing
She is dominant. He is harshly ordered to his knees, from where he must kiss and lick any part of her body that she tells him to. She will then whip him until he begs for mercy. When he finally begs for mercy, she will sexually tease him until he has an orgasm.
S&M FANTASY #3: Role-playing (principal and schoolgirl), spanking
He is dominant. He is the headmaster of a private school, and she is a naughty schoolgirl. He administers a stern lecture and an over-the-knee spanking. Props might include a ruler (great for giving a light spanking) and a cute schoolgirl costume. S&M
FANTASY #4: Gender play, whipping, sexual humiliation
She is dominant. He is cross-dressed as a young woman. She catches him borrowing her lingerie and becomes angry, denouncing him as a slut and referring to him in the female gender. She whips him soundly and calls him sexually degrading names.
S&M FANTASY #5: Role-playing (burglar and victim), rape fantasy
He is dominant. He puts on a ski mask and "breaks in" to her bedroom. He then rapes his "unwilling" partner and generally does whatever he wants, stopping only when she uses the safe word or safe signal.
S&M FANTASY #6: Role-playing (medical fantasy), submission
She is dominant. She is a doctor who must give him a complete physical exam. She pokes and prods him in various private places, and he can do nothing but submit to her. She handles his cock and balls with authority, giving him pleasure at her whim. Possible props for this scene include latex gloves and lubricant for anal play.
These are just a few examples of the S&M scenes that you can create from the ideas given here. Let your imagination be your guide.
Once you have decided to play, negotiated a scene and worked out a basic script with your partner, how do you begin? It is not always easy to make the transition from being Mr. and Ms. John and Mary Smith to playing the roles of an Amazon priestess and her temple slave. Even if you are doing a straight S&M scene as opposed to a fantasy, getting mentally and emotionally into your dominant and submissive roles can take some work. Unless you live a total S&M lifestyle, you have probably spent the day thinking of your partner as your spouse, lover or friend. Switching over to thinking of him or her as your slave, your Master or your Mistress takes som e doing. Careful preparation is the key.
If you are playing out a specific fantasy, it helps to set one room such as the bedroom aside for your play. Make sure that all of the props that you will need are already in the room. Remove or temporarily hide any obvious items in the room that will detract from your fantasy. You don't have to do a complete redecoration, but if you are playing the roles of a medieval princess in a dungeon and her rescuer, you should probably at least drape a cloth over that television and VCR that is sitting on the dresser. Likewise, the Exercycle and digital scale should get put out in the hall for the time being.
If you are not playing in a fantasy world, you don't have to be quite as drastic in what you remove, but keep in mind that some things are not sexy under any circumstances. Put the dirty clothes on the floor in the hamper, make the bed with crisp, new sheets, and take the cat's litter box out to the garage for the evening. Messes are a turn-off.
You would be surprised how sexy a change of bedroom scenery can be. You don't have to put mirrors on the ceiling, but a new, erotic painting or poster for the wall or outrageous pink satin sheets on the bed might put some extra spice in your lovemaking.
Costuming is also important. A simple outfit consisting of black pants and a black sweater can be the basic backdrop for a dozen different roles, with the addition of a few simple props. If your fantasy role is that of the headmaster of a private school, try putting on an appropriately sober-looking business suit. If you are expressing the "naughty", blatantly sexual side of your nature, wear a garter belt, fishnet stockings and a bra. Keep in mind that both of these costumes can be appropriate for either sex! There is no reason that she cannot wear the business suit while he puts on the filmy lingerie. Playing with gender as well as fantasy roles can be a stimulating addition to your sexual repertoire.
To actually step into a fantasy, both of you will go into the room that you have designated for play. Discuss the final details of the scene and check the scenery for any obvious flaws (the Exercycle in the castle dungeon, et cetera). Then, one partner leaves the room for a few minutes. It is agreed that when he or she steps back in, it will be in role, and the fantasy will have begun.
STARTING AN S&M SCENE
An S&M scene can be begun in much the same way. A room is prepared for play, and the partner who is to play the submissive role is left in it for a few minutes, possibly naked or in bondage or both. When the dominant partner steps in, the mindset of the scene has already been established. The submissive partner has already had a few minutes in an appropriate setting to adjust to his or her role. The dominant partner has had time to collect his or her thoughts and decide what to do.
For more spontaneous S&M play in an ongoing relationship, it is important to develop rituals that demarcate the boundary between normal, day to day behavior and slave/Master or slave/Mistress behavior. Just as it would be inappropriate to treat your dominant or submissive partner as an equal during intense S&M or fantasy play, it is inappropriate to behave like a Maste, Mistress, or slave when you are not playing. The only exceptions to this rule are couples who are totally committed to living an S&M lifestyle twenty-four hours a day. Unless both partners are very experienced, trying to live in your dominant and submissive roles all of the time is probably a bad idea. Chances are that one or both of you will rapidly discover that the fantasy of being a total slave or a total owner is much more fun than the reality. The fantasy can end whenever either person feels like relaxing in the company of an equal partner rather than playing a game. The reality involves an awful lot of responsibility on both sides, and you don't get a break from it.
Most couples prefer to draw a sharp line between their fantasy roles and games and their interaction in real life. This is where ritual comes in handy. One possibility is to "key" the D&S behavior to an object such as a slave collar. If the submissive partner is wearing the collar, both partners are in their D&S roles until the collar comes off.
The ritual that draws the line and puts them into role is putting on the collar. The ritual may also be entirely verbal. It may be as simple as having one partner say to the other, "You are a slave." Or it may be much more complex, involving symbolic bondage or discipline as well as a verbal response. An good example of this kind of ritual is given in the previous book in this series, A Tangled Web: The Art of Slavery, available by mail from the author for $15.95.
If one partner is feeling particularly dominant or submissive for the evening, he or she might start to initiate the ritual. Unless the couple is in a fully committed D&S relationship, the other partner does retain the option of refusal. For instance, the ritual collar might normally be kept in the closet or in the couple's toy box. If either partner desires to initiate the ritual that begins dominant and submissive interaction, they might take the collar and put it on the kitchen table or in another visible spot. If the other partner also desires to play, he takes the collar and either puts it on himself or locks it around his partner's neck, depending on who will be dominant for the evening.
Next: Once you have the scene set up, what next?
How to Play Quick Reference, Starting a Scene, Bondage, Props and Toys, The Joy of Spanking, Whipping, Cross Dressing, Anal Play, Fantasy Role Play.